And none of you know how or why that happened. So here's the painful (to me) story:
In 7th grade I decided I wanted to teach math. I dreamt of going to college, completely forgetting that high school had to come first. I began looking into schools with math programs. I'd settled on Vanderbilt and University of Florida. I went to high school trying to make my way up the math class ladder. Nothing was getting in my way without a fight. Until a guidance counselor convinced me I wouldn't be good enough to take AP Calculus or AP Stats my senior year. All because I'd struggled with Pre-Calc. (You learn when you struggle. I learned that here at BYUI years later. But she didn't see that.) I settled for ATM (Advanced Topics Math), which was lower than Pre-Calc and higher than Algebra II. I was bored. I hated it. I didn't like the teacher. I failed a few tests because I literally just didn't care about the class. It wasn't too hard for me, it was too easy. I wasn't challenged and I learned nothing new.
I applied for college that year. I was too afraid to apply anywhere big (like Vanderbilt and UF) because of lost confidence in myself. (That guidance counselor had told me so many lies about what I was and wasn't capable of.) so I applied to two schools--BYUI and University of North Florida. I took the ACT twice--excelling in English and Math, but not science. I got accepted to UNF and declined because only three people I knew were going there and I'd been fed lies from my then best friend that I wouldn't be able to make any new friends on my own. I got accepted into BYUI as a math education major. I accepted their offer because I wanted to find out my own potential away from those that were hindering me.
I arrived in Rexburg only to panic and cling to the idea that I wouldn't be able to do it (be a math teacher, make friends, thrive). I switched to general studies and took a couple art classes. I decided is major in that. I took a drawing class and found out I only had talent in watercolor, so I looked to a professor friend for help. He suggested marriage and family because I had loved his two family classes. I decided I could minor in art and major in that. It would be easy and I could manage to find some art therapy jobs when I graduated if I planned courses properly.
Part of the marriage and family degree is to take a social stats class. I dreaded it with all my heart, thinking I'd never make it out alive. Turns out I was wrong, I excelled and I soared. I was recommended to tutor the class. I was hired the summer after to tutor stats and various algebra. I found out where my passion truly laid, as I had suspected long ago--in math. I decided I had to study statistics! But here is where my problems snowballed.
BYUI doesn't have a statistics degree. They only have a non-math-major minor and a math-major minor and a concentration for it.
I picked up the non-math-major minor because I was nearly finished with marriage and family studies. (Plus I really liked marriage and family.) I signed up for the combined calculus class, thinking I would do alright. But here is where problem #1 cropped up. I hadn't taken the prerequisite course: Pre-Calulus. I had taken it in high school, but not in college. After some consulting with some math faculty, I was allowed to take the course with out the prerequisite.
I did okay. The homework was online and I would often forget about it or get so frustrated with the program we had to use that I just didn't finish it. Because of that and a very large mistake on a important test, I ended the class with a 78% C. I was devastated, but continued on with my math courses by signing up for a 400-level class the following semester. And thus creating problem #2.
This class was well beyond what I had studied in math so far. It was almost entirely theoretical and dealt with multiple integration--something I hadn't quite grasped in the combined calculus class. I met with my teacher about dropping the class, but when he saw my grade he advised me not to give up. I had a very decent grade for someone without any background besides introductory courses. I spent the entire semester focused on that 400-level course, often crying because it just didn't make any sense to me. I failed two out of three exams, but made it out with a 76% C. I was proud of myself. I had just put myself through what felt like a math hell and survived to tell the tale. I felt strong and capable! I immediately signed up for two more math classes (Intermediate Stats and Trigonometry) for the following semester with fire in my heart.
I thought trig would defeat me because I hadn't understood it well in high school, but it turns out I defeated trig--with high honors. (I ended that course with a 103% and awesome support from my teacher.) I happily made my way through learning R and putting some of my theoretical stats knowledge to use in intermediate stats, ending that class with a 91%. I felt so empowered by my math ability that I stepped up to the plate and registered for FOUR math classes for the following fall semester. I even switched my minor to a concentration and my major to be my minor. (Statistics concentration with a minor in Marriage & Family, for clarification.)
I walked into fall semester with huge goals--straight As and wedding planning. Problems #3 and #4 happened right around this time. (#3: I had signed up to take Calc I, which is covered in the combined calculus class I had taken so that I wouldn't have to jump through hoops to get permission to take the Multivariate Calc class that my degree now required. #4: I had my first relationship. It was long distance.) I felt too prideful to be sitting in a low-level calc class and I didn't like my teacher, so I switched to a different teacher at a class time that I hated. On top of that, I started to get burnt out because I was tutoring math and taking ONLY math classes. I opted to spend my studying time and sleeping time doing something that wasn't math-related--talking to my boyfriend. I stayed up too late and thus, woke up to too late. I have a brain-wring-malfunction-thing that makes me prefer to miss the whole class rather than show up late to a class (actually, I think that's just pride, but anyways...) I missed too many classes that led to sheer embarrassment when I showed up to class (I was too prideful and it was embarrassing to show up to class when I hadn't been there two out of the three days.) I then failed several tests because I missed so much material. I quite attending classes all together. I dropped all but the calculus class because I got so discouraged and so stressed out that I fell into a really deep pit of depression. I was embarrassed to show my face in the Ricks building because almost all the math faculty knew I was so passionate and driven previously. It hurt and I didn't know what to do. I allowed myself to fail the only class I managed to keep that semester. I even worked my way to worst tutor by the time the semester ended.
I didn't take classes the following semester. I just worked and planned my wedding in hopes that I would be able to recover enough to excel in the spring. I signed up for all the same classes I had the previous fall in hopes I could redeem myself. I even switched to a different linear algebra class, thinking it would be easier on me since it was only half the semester and had less content. Three weeks in, I realized that I still felt like I was in over my head. I wasn't doing as well as I had wanted in the easiest class I had and grew discouraged again. Problem #5 then appeared--my aversion to change. I was newly married, living completely on our own now, and was dealing with some thyroid issues. Everything became too much to handle and I grew even more depressed. I slept all the time. I cried all the time. I didn't want to go to classes or work. I hated everything I had once loved. And I was writing suicide notes in my head to my husband. (Who, to this day didn't even know things were that bad.) I gave up journalling--my second favorite thing, with teaching and studying math being my first. With everything that I was feeling, I decided that I couldn't continue on with math. The classes I had been taking were harder than they should have been for me because I had skipped crucial prerequisites and I was too depressed to even try working through that. So I applied to switch to the University Studies degree and dropped all my math classes. (I switched to some online fluff classes to keep my financial aid.) I intended to do the marriage and family minor with a stats cluster and my almost finished art cluster. But my advisor told me to pick a cluster that made me more marketable for jobs--something with graphic arts, maybe. So I did. I made a custom cluster with graphic design and an upper division watercolor class. Since marriage and family is already completed, all I have left is watercolor and graphic design.
Since that leaves me only this fall semester and three more classes after that, I should be excited. But I am not because I am still dealing with problem #5. Also, we don't have the money to get me the supplies I need to take the courses I am signed up for. And, to be 100% honest, I'm not excited because none of this is math. I wanted to teach math someday. I wanted to graduate with a degree in math. I do not want to graduate with a fluff degree--my diploma will say Bachelors Degree in University Studies. I feel like it's not a serious degree and I also feel like it doesn't even begin to convey the amount of effort I have put into my college education. I feel like I am dumb compared to my husband's family. He and his sister are straight A students, while I am a complete failure so far.
Because I have failed so many classes and dropped so many classes, I am now on academic probation. This makes me feel like even more of a failure. I used to have an amazing GPA and I was a straight A student in high school (minus the three Cs: physics, precalc, and ATM.) Now I'm an F student with a GPA equivalent to almost a C.
I will graduate next year with a Bachelors in University Studies and a crushed-beyond-repair dream. But now you know the whole story, the truth behind why I am not a math major, and the reason why I cry myself to sleep some nights.
I thought trig would defeat me because I hadn't understood it well in high school, but it turns out I defeated trig--with high honors. (I ended that course with a 103% and awesome support from my teacher.) I happily made my way through learning R and putting some of my theoretical stats knowledge to use in intermediate stats, ending that class with a 91%. I felt so empowered by my math ability that I stepped up to the plate and registered for FOUR math classes for the following fall semester. I even switched my minor to a concentration and my major to be my minor. (Statistics concentration with a minor in Marriage & Family, for clarification.)
I walked into fall semester with huge goals--straight As and wedding planning. Problems #3 and #4 happened right around this time. (#3: I had signed up to take Calc I, which is covered in the combined calculus class I had taken so that I wouldn't have to jump through hoops to get permission to take the Multivariate Calc class that my degree now required. #4: I had my first relationship. It was long distance.) I felt too prideful to be sitting in a low-level calc class and I didn't like my teacher, so I switched to a different teacher at a class time that I hated. On top of that, I started to get burnt out because I was tutoring math and taking ONLY math classes. I opted to spend my studying time and sleeping time doing something that wasn't math-related--talking to my boyfriend. I stayed up too late and thus, woke up to too late. I have a brain-wring-malfunction-thing that makes me prefer to miss the whole class rather than show up late to a class (actually, I think that's just pride, but anyways...) I missed too many classes that led to sheer embarrassment when I showed up to class (I was too prideful and it was embarrassing to show up to class when I hadn't been there two out of the three days.) I then failed several tests because I missed so much material. I quite attending classes all together. I dropped all but the calculus class because I got so discouraged and so stressed out that I fell into a really deep pit of depression. I was embarrassed to show my face in the Ricks building because almost all the math faculty knew I was so passionate and driven previously. It hurt and I didn't know what to do. I allowed myself to fail the only class I managed to keep that semester. I even worked my way to worst tutor by the time the semester ended.
I didn't take classes the following semester. I just worked and planned my wedding in hopes that I would be able to recover enough to excel in the spring. I signed up for all the same classes I had the previous fall in hopes I could redeem myself. I even switched to a different linear algebra class, thinking it would be easier on me since it was only half the semester and had less content. Three weeks in, I realized that I still felt like I was in over my head. I wasn't doing as well as I had wanted in the easiest class I had and grew discouraged again. Problem #5 then appeared--my aversion to change. I was newly married, living completely on our own now, and was dealing with some thyroid issues. Everything became too much to handle and I grew even more depressed. I slept all the time. I cried all the time. I didn't want to go to classes or work. I hated everything I had once loved. And I was writing suicide notes in my head to my husband. (Who, to this day didn't even know things were that bad.) I gave up journalling--my second favorite thing, with teaching and studying math being my first. With everything that I was feeling, I decided that I couldn't continue on with math. The classes I had been taking were harder than they should have been for me because I had skipped crucial prerequisites and I was too depressed to even try working through that. So I applied to switch to the University Studies degree and dropped all my math classes. (I switched to some online fluff classes to keep my financial aid.) I intended to do the marriage and family minor with a stats cluster and my almost finished art cluster. But my advisor told me to pick a cluster that made me more marketable for jobs--something with graphic arts, maybe. So I did. I made a custom cluster with graphic design and an upper division watercolor class. Since marriage and family is already completed, all I have left is watercolor and graphic design.
Since that leaves me only this fall semester and three more classes after that, I should be excited. But I am not because I am still dealing with problem #5. Also, we don't have the money to get me the supplies I need to take the courses I am signed up for. And, to be 100% honest, I'm not excited because none of this is math. I wanted to teach math someday. I wanted to graduate with a degree in math. I do not want to graduate with a fluff degree--my diploma will say Bachelors Degree in University Studies. I feel like it's not a serious degree and I also feel like it doesn't even begin to convey the amount of effort I have put into my college education. I feel like I am dumb compared to my husband's family. He and his sister are straight A students, while I am a complete failure so far.
Because I have failed so many classes and dropped so many classes, I am now on academic probation. This makes me feel like even more of a failure. I used to have an amazing GPA and I was a straight A student in high school (minus the three Cs: physics, precalc, and ATM.) Now I'm an F student with a GPA equivalent to almost a C.
I will graduate next year with a Bachelors in University Studies and a crushed-beyond-repair dream. But now you know the whole story, the truth behind why I am not a math major, and the reason why I cry myself to sleep some nights.
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